I Don't Know What I Don't Know

Six years ago, while attempting to avoid the feelings of grief my son's passing left, I dove into changing everything in my house starting with my son's bedroom. In the last eight years I have repainted every space in my house, some twice already. Each time I got better with drywall, patching holes, sanding, and painting, and woodworking. Each time I invested in more tools and equipment to do more projects.

About five years ago I spent one lonely weekend ripping down the 1960's paneling, sanding the tar like glue that was used, sanding what seemed like ten layers of paint on the door frames, removing thirty-year-old wallpaper, and patching the GIANT hole in the wall that was covered by wallpaper from where my brothers tackled each other into the end of the hall. By the time I got to painting I was depleted and just wanting the project to be done with. My goal wasn't to make it look perfect. I didn't even care if it looked like crap. I was just avoiding my grief. My life had crumbled, and I had no control of the changes that were happening.

Through the course of life, I developed a very unhealthy hyper independence than came from repeated loss. Fear of judgment and ridicule; I very seldom ask for help or even guidance - with all things. From parenting and cooking to home repairs, grief and heartbreak, I handled most things alone and quietly. My hyper Independance didn't allow me to ask anyone for advice or help. I was determined to figure it out alone.

So last night when a friend of mine came over to help me with prepping my hallway for a new coat of paint and a little updating, He sized up the work that needed to be done according to his standards. Ask he took notice at all the imperfections I noticed shame start to creep into my mind. In my embarrassment I told him:

I have had to teach myself everything that I know. I did the best that I could with what I knew. It's hard to learn when you don't know what you don't know.

This morning, while I was cutting boards for the new bookshelves I'm building in the old coat closet, my own words crept back into my mind, so I put down my tools to make this post.

This last year I have actively been working on understanding who I am. I have journeyed through the pains of my past. I have recognized how I have become who I was and the changes I need to make to be who I want to be. I have forgiven others and myself. I have learned that although I have learned a lot of things, there is still a lot that I don't know and never will know unless I ask to be taught.

Much Love