Learning Self-Love at 44

Love yourself first they say. What if you were never taught how to love someone? What if you were taught that love was selflessness. What if no one ever taught or showed you because the ones teaching you had no idea what it was either? What if?

From an early age I was taught, intentionally and by observation, this idea of what love was and how to do it. Witnessing parents, grandparents, and siblings in relationships. Also, including my religious teachings about what love is (1st Corinthians 13) and interpreting how others treated me that 'loved' me. In my twenties I explored books on relationships, love languages, the different types of love you feel for different people (parental love, God love, friendship love). In my thirties, I loved everyone. In whatever capacity I could love someone, I would selflessly. All my life, love is the one thing I thought I knew, which I do know, just not as well as I thought I did. Without true self-love relationships tend to stay grounded in the Ego and eventually fail.

My lack of self-love had gone unnoticed since I was fifteen years old. That is, until someone came into my life and held up a mirror. That is how well I loved others. This is how much I hid my pain and loneliness from others, including my own (ex)husband, children, and closest friends. Afterall, they were the lucky recipients of boundaryless unconditional selfless love. Thusly, validating that I was doing everything right, yet leaving me drained and feeling unappreciated. I unknowingly expected my version of love to be the same for everyone, so why weren't these people giving me the same thing I was giving them?

Selflessness and putting everyone before yourself can be sign that you were only ever loved, praised, or acknowledged when you put others first. It gets ingrained in you that your value and worth in only in what you can do for others. While others learn boundaries and self-respect, love, and worth; I learned that my needs and wants should always be sacrificed for my romantic partner, children, and parents.

Self-love, which should be the first love you experience, can be the most difficult to even comprehend the later in life you get, and I am just now beginning to experience this beautiful feeling type of love. And the best part; it comes from within. I don't know if I could explain how to get there if you need a guide, but I will share a few things I have already learned about myself since achieving it.

1. I don't require validation from anyone when I am making a decision.

2. I no longer react to things that bothered me before.

3. I have no problem saying no or yes, depending on what I want.

4. My taste in music changed.

5. My needs from my relationships are different. I let others show me how much of me they want by what they are willing to give and give of myself as necessary.

6. An attempt to boost my ego is a red flag.

7. My intuition and connection to God is stronger than ever.
   

What is self-love? Its knowing who you are and who you are not. It's who you find when you release everything else that isn't true to who you know you are. Our Authentic self that God needs us to be. Its honoring your journey without letting it mislead you with fear, shame, or regret. It's walking proud, yet humble enough to know that we are never done creating the best version of ourselves. It's finding the dedication to living, experiencing, and continuing to learn.

Obviously not all people are afflicted with a lack of self-love. And not all people that lack self-love has the same past. My experiences and what it took for me to learn to love myself (2+ years) will not be the same for you, but perhaps by sharing my story, it will provide someone else.

Much Love