The Pitfall of the Pedestal

You thought you were loving me

Placing me so high

Wanting me to guide you

Like a star in the night sky

As soon as I noticed

The admiration in your eyes

I tried to help you understand 

The truth behind the lies

You couldn't see from where you were

the fear upon my face

All you could see from where you stood

was immeasurable beauty and grace

Little did you know,

I have been placed up there before

I let it go to my head

And woke up upon the floor

I am not an angel,

goddess, or a queen

I am but a human

With lots of scars behind the scenes 

You saw some of my battle wounds

I shared with you my pain

And before I knew it

the pedestal rose again

Leaving wasn't easy

And now you have a scar

One we have in common

Deep within our hearts

Reflection is the path to healing. My journey through life has been filled with so many lessons. Just when I think that I have learned everything I need to know, I am made aware of the areas that still need some tending. Reflection is the lens in which we should strive to look through.

The most difficult pill I have had to swallow is understanding that I unknowingly attract what I am. The people in my life are only mirroring to me the hidden truths within myself and my behaviors. It is within the intentional reflection that we can learn our true intentions.

Six months ago, I came to the realization that there were many common denominators amongst the men I had been involved with for the majority of my relationships. The main on being the abandonment wound of the mother. It would be easy for me to just blame the toxicity of the relationship on them. Which for quite a few years, I did, only to move on to the same scenario. It was with this realization that I became aware of my own mother abandonment wound.

This time of intentional reflection also allowed me to address other toxic traits, reviewing the toxicity I had previously attracted.

Which leads me to the poem I was inspired to write above.

The pedestal is a dangerous place, not only to be placed upon, but also hazardous for the person placing someone there. I have been on both sides of the pedestal. When you hold someone to such a high regard that places you below them, whether that is intellectually, financially, or emotionally, you place distance that only brings an inevitable separation.

Many times, I thought that the pedestal meant love. I would place these unloved and unappreciated men up on a pedestal. I would ignore their flaws because I didn't want them to see mine. I would praise their strengths, feeding their wounded egos and accepting their wounded behaviors, raising them up beyond their own knowing. All the while, secretly hoping they would do the same for me. You see, IF I accept their wounding and they accept mine, we can live together, still wounded without ever facing your own shame, guilt, regret, and self-worth.

When we put someone on a pedestal, what we are really doing is shouting "I am unworthy but loving you will bring me worth". In most cases the result will always be the same. Just as I did recently, I jumped from the pedestal. Unlike the other times, where I stayed up there long enough to get that ego boost and leave with a false sense of confidence, this time I refused to accept it.

With that I also intentionally reflected on why I found myself in this situation and address my feelings of skepticism with my partners actions and my reactions to it. What I found was understanding and compassion for all those partners that had become victim to my own pedestal.